Stop Saying Sorry

The One Person Who Actually Deserves Your Apology

Photo by Michaela St on Unsplash.

In last week’s post, You Love Too Much, I wrote:

I apologized.

I apologized for being effusive.
I apologized for loving her.
I apologized for being me.

She was the one who had brought me to my knees, and I was the one who apologized.

I’ve been thinking about over-apologizing ever since.

Oops, I did it again.

Oops, I did it again. And, no, I’m not talking about a Britney Spears oops.

I’m talking an apology oops.

An “I’m sorry” oops.

Just before yoga began, I left my mat for a last-minute pee break. As I walked into the locker room, I almost collided with a woman who was rushing to class.

She said nothing, and out of my mouth came, “I’m so sorry.” Oops.

As I washed my hands, I thought, “I didn’t do anything wrong. So…why did I say I’m sorry?” I realized I’d done it again. Damn! “I’m sorry” just came out of my mouth as my go-to, rote response.

Grrr….

During class, the instructor said “I’m sorry” too after forgetting to queue a pose. No biggie. Most of us didn’t even register that it wasn’t in the sequence, but she said, “I’m sorry,” anyway. Almost immediately, though, she followed up with, “Shoot, I tell everyone else to stop apologizing, and here I am doing it too.” At that point, she was more counseling herself than talking to us.

I say it. She said it. Others say it.

Do you?

Do you say I’m sorry when you’re not, I’m sorry when it’s not your fault, I’m sorry to avoid conflict, I’m sorry to keep the peace and make it all better?

Do you say I’m sorry because it’s the first thing that flies out of your mouth?

I used to…

I used to say I’m sorry for almost everything. I was so bad that my mom would call me on it. “Are you really sorry, or are you just saying it?” Sometimes, when you say sorry so much, people stop believing in your sincerity.

Brush by someone in the hall and say, I‘m sorry.
Spill coffee on my shirt, say I’m sorry.
Have spinach in my teeth, I’m sorry.
Breathe too heavy, I’m sorry.
Stay silent, I’m sorry.
Be loud, I’m sorry.
This is how I feel, I’m sorry.
I love you, I’m sorry.

You get the idea… I’m sorry.

An important skill to have

Sometimes, saying I’m sorry is absolutely appropriate.

Last night, we went out for sushi and ordered the special: Hamachi prepared with citrus. Our friends had had it before and were excited for us to try it.

All the pretty plates with delicate fish were delivered, and we dug in. While the Hamachi was delicious, it wasn’t what we ordered.

When we called the waiter over to alert him, he immediately became defensive and gruff. Instead of saying, “Oops, I’m sorry, let me remedy that,” he said, “Well, it’s not really my fault. It should have been caught in the kitchen. I didn’t see it, but neither did they.”

WHATEVER. Just apologize, and make it right. Don’t try to explain it away.

Saying I’m sorry is an important skill to have. It’s important to take responsibility and be accountable.

Try this when you find yourself saying I’m sorry too much

Over the last decade, I’ve actively worked to refrain from automatically saying I’m sorry for everything.

I’ve actively worked to retrain my brain not to apologize for setting boundaries, or having an opinion, or sharing my feelings.

I am not perfect, and I am certainly a work in progress, but I’ve come a long way and have learned a few tricks.

1. I’ve become aware each time I say I’m sorry. (Initially, the words “I’m” and “sorry”, back to back, would come out of my mouth so fast, so often, it was like word throw up. No wonder my mom called me on it!)

2. I’ve learned to catch “I’m sorry” while it’s still in my throat, before voicing it out loud, and then count to three to give myself time to determine if it is indeed the most appropriate response.

3. I’ve practiced saying “Excuse me” instead of “I’m sorry.” Let me tell you, I still get a kick when “Excuse me” comes out of my mouth with genuine grace. Sometimes I want to give myself a high five for being fluid and in the moment.

I also remind myself when there’s no reason to be sorry. I tell myself this isn’t your fault. Shit happens. It’s all good. You’re all good.

We all need a little pep talk now and then.

I was mad at myself.

After yoga, I walked out of the studio pissed.

Not with the instructor for forgetting a pose, or the woman I almost crashed into.

I was mad at myself.

Mad that I still say, “I’m sorry” A LOT. It is still a knee-jerk response, and I still say it when it isn’t my fault, when I’m scared, or trying to play the peacemaker.

I’ve been working on this for years, and I still screw up.

And as I walked to my car, caught up in criticizing myself, I realized something.

Instead of continually beating myself up for saying, “I’m sorry” to others, perhaps I need to say, “I’m sorry” to myself.

Why?

Because I would never, NEVER talk to others the way I talk to myself.
I would never be so cruel.
I would never treat anyone else with such impatience.

In that moment, I decided to give myself a break and remember that I’m human, I’m growing, I’m changing, I’m willing, and I’m doing my best.

In that moment, I made a new commitment for when an unintended “I’m sorry” escapes my lips.

I say “I’m sorry” to me and forgive myself.

I say “I’m sorry” with kindness and sincerity instead of beating myself up. I take it in, accept it, and then forgive myself and move forward.

And the next time I oops?

I do it all over again.

Love,
Kim